Lessons from the pantry

I left my realm of comfort today and dove into a wheat-free experience.  It wasn't exactly by choice. After eating a delicious, but unsatisfying, fish dinner, I was rummaging around in my cupboards and emerged with GLUTINO! A gluten-free, "multi-grain" cracker.  Ok, yes, I was desperate. And all right, yes, it did have an expiration date of June 29, 2010. But I thought, "what the heck" and gave it a go.


How did this gem end up on the back of my top shelf? A friend of mine moved away to the mainland and she bequeathed upon me some fine-dining accouterments: artichoke hearts, a huge jar of sun-dried tomatoes, cans of black beans, vinaigrette salad spray, and yes, boxes of various types of specialty crackers; it was obvious that she not only had good taste but that we did NOT shop at the same stores.


I opened the first box. Some sort of melba sesame cracker. I ate the entire cracker before I realized that I had discovered a brand new meaning for "stale".  It had the unique combination of not only being stale but rancid.  I couldn't find a best-by date on the package but needless to say that the coupon I peeled off the box expired on 9/30/09. 


Undaunted, I foraged on.  Ever hopeful that the sealed plastic bags really did seal in freshness. This delectable treat boasted its origins from the vicinity of Mt. Ararat.  But, made conveniently in California.  It lived up to its name: ak mak.  Yes, this was the sound I made as I spit it out into my hand.  I looked at the box a little closer.  In case I forgot how to discern meaning from words, they thoughtfully underlined (in red) important phrases like "whole wheat product", "nutritional value", "wheat", "important part of the diet", "high-protein wheat", "highest quality wheat", "complete whole wheat flour", "nothing added, nothing removed", "full circle", "present pyramid program", "cereal grains", "ancient peoples", "and still counting". I kid you not.  Needless to say I couldn't find an expiration date on this package as I think it was sealed up before the USDA decided to require them.


Lastly, GLUTINO! Feeling like a challenge, I opened the last box (ignoring the expiration date clearly stamped on the bottom).  Let me describe to you as best I can what my mouth experienced: imagine multi-grain to mean corn starch, white rice flour, fennel and poppy seeds.  Now imagine cardboard craftily ground so fine as to make it a powder. Mix all of the ingredients together, held together with guar gum (Guar gum is economical because it has almost 8 times the water-thickening potency of cornstarch - thank you Wikipedia). Yum. 


Lessons learned? Those plastic pouches are not only necessary to prevent critters from chewing their way through your food stores, but they also serve to keep the product from contaminating perfectly tasty food next to it on the shelf.


I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to brush away the reside still stuck to the back of my tongue, but I've learned another very valuable lesson: I love you, Ritz Crackers. I can't wait to start on the canned goods...