Getting dressed in the dark

Aside from the risk of committing a major fashion faux pas, there are countless reasons not to get dressed in the dark, especially in Hawaii. As we move into shorter days with the darker mornings of fall and then winter, I’d like to offer a countdown of reasons why NOT to don your wardrobe without the lights on.

Ants in your pants. Actually, make that bra. This just happened to me. For some reason, my friendly neighborhood ants like to throw a party on my lingerie shelf in my closet. Here they not only scurry around underneath my unmentionables, but they decide to set up shop and start producing mini-me ants by the thousands. It is gross. Just when I think I’ve evicted every last one of them, they give me a surprise party in my bra. I don’t notice them until it is too late and the “get the effin’ ants off of me” dance begins.


Cockroach in your shoe. What is it about cockroaches and shoes? This even just happened to one of my coworkers. He was casually chatting with us one morning at the office, got a horrified look on his face, and went dashing out of the office in fear of the worst. Luckily it was only a cockroach…


Cane spider on your towel. Ewe. Before getting dressed, it is wise to check your towel before rubbing it on your bare, wet body. I cannot explain why these giant palm-sized spiders like the bathroom so much. Maybe it is the plush, warm terry cloth they dig. Or the clean, smooth feel of the fiberglass shower.  Even before you check your towel, better turn around in the shower and check the stall. They may be smaller than you, but you are completely naked and without defense.


Jumping geckos. Gack. These are seemingly harmless creatures that, in fact, help us with some of the before-mentioned pests. But why, oh why, do they have to always be where you are reaching? And why, oh why, do they always jump toward you and brush against your arm, leg, foot, etc.? This spastic specimen usually does no harm other than increase your blood pressure and cause minor heart palpitations.


Stepping on the dreaded centipede. Although it is commonly felt that these are strictly an outdoor-pest, one occasionally finds them inside one’s house. I have experienced an in-the-dark-encounter with a centipede and it was definitely something that I will always remember. I knew instantly what bit me and the pain was excruciating.  I have friends that have also experienced this pest in reasons 1 and 2 and the results were not friendly.

There are many more reasons I could list, but I’m still uncomfortably itching with phantom ants. So, if you live in Hawaii, or just plan on visiting, heed my warning. You can ask anyone who lives here and they will regale you with stories of their own. I’ll be following this list up with others like: Why you don’t want to walk across your yard in the dark, Why you shouldn’t walk barefoot in the dark, Reasons to shake the tree before cutting the bananas, and others.